It's that time of year again, graduation time. Earnest, wet-behind-the-ears, young go-getters are receiving their diplomas and going off to Europe before starting their low-level jobs in and around this grand country of ours.
Most of them will soon be making more money than me, including those whose parents are paying for them to trek around Western Europe, staying in hostels and trying to hook up without catching scabies from some infested hostel bedsheets.
It's now been four years since I've graduated from Ohio University with a B.S. in journalism. The class that came in after I left is getting ready to leave Athens to conquer the world.
Since I'm a regretful son of a bitch by nature, I've been thinking about what I've accomplished in four years, which was a lifetime when I went to college.
Professionally, I'm stagnant. Personally, I'm on the upswing, at least relationship-wise. Financially, again stagnant. Physically, still trying to work off those pounds I gained junior year of college.
As I try to (finally) decide on my next path in life, be it journalism, grad school or interpretative dance, I've been thinking about what exactly I've been doing since June 2001.
June-Aug. 2001: Nothing. Failed to plan ahead for the summer. With an internship in Israel, starting in the fall, thought it would be "fun" to stay at home for the first time in three years. Not so good of an idea. Frittered away graduation cash, worked sparingly at local rag of a newspaper and actually toiled in warehouse of local Circuit City, even serving as part-time custodian with a guy who was probably retarded. Also, got negative ass.
Sept 2001-Dec. 2001: After a brief delay, got to Israel for internship of my mother's dream for the AP. Turned out to be nothing special, did some boring stories, spent a lot of time e-mailing people. Much like now. Israel, especially Jerusalem, not so beautiful in late fall, early winter. Kind of chilly actually. Got so used to boring life, never traveled much nor did I meet any exotic women. Hooked up with three Americans of varying attractiveness: lone highlight was getting "bought" in bachelor auction for roughly $7.50 American, which preceded a pretty darn good hook up story.
Dec. 2001 -Feb 2002: Back at home. At one point, my dad chides me for not taking a part-time job at Wendy's up the street. That about sums it up. After dodging an editor's call at one point, I'm forced to take a job in Yuma, Ariz.
Feb. 2002 - April 2003: This truly begins the rough patch in my life, known as the post-college years. My first real job was with a small newspaper in a border town in Arizona. I was making roughly the same as I would've at said Wendy's without the benefits of free hamburgers.
Poverty is not best served in 115 degree heat. My roommate Ben and I had a few hijinks that made it worthwhile, including the time we (possibly illegal situation delated) and the time I (wouldn't be prudent to talk about that) and the time Ben (man, that was dumb).
Also I covered a bad minor-league baseball league and ate a lot of burritos.
April 2003: Moved to Chicago with some (possibly illegal) tax return cash and knowing, quite macabrely, that I was getting some money that summer from my Nanny's will.
I hooked up not three days into my stay here, thinking it was the harbinger of a wild, debaucherour, sex-filled journey into young adulthood.
It would be three months, and one more dead grandparent, before I hooked up again.
July 2003: Several important things happened this month. First off, my beloved grandpa (on my step-father's side) passed away. I heard the news on a ride to the suburbs to cover a baseball game ( I was way lost at the time, and late) and promptly turn around. Later I found out my mother had e-mailed me, asking me to call him because I missed him.
After I returned from the funeral, things picked a little. I hooked up again with a libidinous Catholic ex-schoolgirl, and doing so sans wingman. It lasted about six weeks and really had no bearing on much else, but it was good times.
Before that, and actually it might have been June, but for continuity's sake, we'll say it's July, I met my future girlfriend at Jewish late-night hangout Jay's (RIP). Johnny set his sights on her early and close-talked his way into a walk-home makeout session and several, uneventful dates.
She now says she really wanted me, but I was stuck dragging around my friend Lori, who was visiting the city. A year-and-a-half later, who knew I'd be the one close-talking her at a bar and getting booted out of her apartment?
Also I quit my short-lived attempt at real estate, or renting crappy apartments. I actually lost money at this job. Thankfully, I still had the Republic.
Aug. 2003: Visiting mother makes all-time funny comment. Over dinner, Johnny asks her about said Catholic girl, "What do you think about Mary Beth?"
Mom, tipsy from her martini, replies, "You can date her and you can sleep with her, but you're not marrying her."
Somewhere in the North SIde, her parents nod their heads in agreement.
Sept. 2003: Big month. First I got re-hired at the company I interned for in 2000, thus providing me with steady but low wages to supplement my freelance work. Extra flow allows me to buy more Republic clothing and ...
...move into the Garden Apartment.
Oct. 2003: Move into the unbelievably priced Garden Apartment. Everyone declares it will be nice once you fix it up. Nineteen months later, still a piece of crap. Roommate last exactly 10 days in apartment before a weekend getaway in Steubenville. Still waiting for him to pick up some stuff.
Find new roommate, Megan, and she lasts May, when she hightails it to Wrigleyville with crazier friend.
Her tenure is mostly forgettable: kissed one friend, stared at other, hotter, sluttier friend while she sleeps on couch.
March 2004: Travel north to Milwaukee. Hook up with girl in hotel room, which annoys Johnny to no end, prompting his comment, "You could've made her give ME a hand job."
June 2004: Travel back to Israel for birthright trip. Got no ass and mostly annoyed people with comments about "when I was here..."
July 2004: Watched Epstein shock cheap hookers in Vegas hotel room with antics.
Dec. 2004: Run into now girlfriend at Matzo Ball. She declares lust for me. Single life effectively over.
Jan. 2005- present: Work and scrape by a living while trying to balance a healthy relationship. Occasionally write a blog.
And that's about it. I'm still slightly fat and still completely broke. But I guess I've filled in a decent amount in these four years. I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be, but I'm not that far off.
Now if only I didn't have these student loans...
