Saucy stuff

For those who believe I don't work, and trust me, most of the times I don't, here's what I did while most of you were sleeping this past President's Day.

http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/news/mlb_leftfield.jsp?ymd=20050221&content_id=947303&vkey=leftfield&fext=.jsp

Yin and Yang, or Hunter and the Miz

A great writer died Sunday, as most of you are aware. Hunter Thompson shot himself in the head in his Colorado estate. Thompson was an idol of many writers and counter-culture types, a truly original voice. Most know him from his seminal novel, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The movie furthered his popularity among our generation, when that guy from 21 Jump Street played him on screen. He also played a large role in making Rolling Stone more than a music magazine.

Obit:
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=1996230

Thompson also had a major face on ESPN.com's Page 2 section, writing quirky stream of consciousness pieces on sports and politics. His online work had an odd syntax that included unnecessary Capital letters and run-on sentences. But it worked. He will be missed. And for sure, in the next week, he will be eulogized by every writer, druggie and blogger, ad infinitum.

However, when the Miz mangles the English language on HIS Web site, well, it's just plain ugly. The fact that this guy went to Miami (Ohio) makes me all the more proud I went to OU.

http://www.mikethemiz.com/

One of my favorite spelling faux pas' on there is when he spells sake, "socci." Nice. No wonder he makes his living wrestling and hanging on to things above water.

NBA All-Star halftime: WTF?

Now let me get this straight, the NBA, that's the National Basketball Association, which is overwhelmingly urban (ah, what the hell, really black), just had two country stars perform at halftime?

Obviously the repercussions from the Timberlake-Janet Nipplepalozza are still cursing televised sporting concert-type events. Any rapper is pretty much suspect thanks to a weasly, falsetto pop singer and an over-the-hill pop singer. No Ludacris, no Trick Daddy, just Leann Rimes and Big & Rich.

What're the numbers on NBA/Leann Rimes fans? Two, three? Not to mention, Big and Rich were singing "Save a horse, ride a cowboy." I wonder what that's about.

Then again, the NFL brought in aged Paul McCartney to do the Super Bowl. Not only was it excruciating (Seriously Paul, Jude called. Stop it.) but in reality, it was the height of hypocrisy, as he was arrested for pot "smuggling" in Japan back in his cooler days. A week or so before, the No Fun League bounced Los Lonely Boys from the pre-game calendar because their drummer was busted for pot.

(Hah! As I'm writing this, Charles Barkley is making the exact same point! He hates these crackers. As he said, this ain't Nascar.)

But hey, at least B&R had a black, rapping cowboy. So the NBA's got the brotha's covered. I mean, there's probably a dozen rappers in attendance!

I wonder who played at the Pro Bowl? If anyone, anyone, watched, let me know...

postscript:
It's halftime and Magic's talking...Damn, that sucked. No Magic-isms. A Magicism, as Rob would tell you, is something like, "Now LeBron James is trying to be like Michael Jordan out here. That being Michael Jordan is the best player ever and LeBron is trying to be like him."

FredEx

Check out this Web site from well-appointed Eagles wideout Freddie "FredEx" Mitchell.

One of my co-workers just got some free schwag from them, including a dope FredEx hat. Get them now before he's sued for copyright infringement.

http://www.freddiemitchell.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWCATS&Category=1

The Gray Lady explodes!

I know I can't blame my absence from blogging on a simple cold, but what the hell, it's not like I have any editors (as evidenced by a multitude of typos). LIke the rest of the city, the changing temperatures, et al, have rendered me groggy and stricken with some mixture of a cold and my overwhelming allergies.

I was perusing the NY Times, during my lunch break of course, and I wanted to highlight some seemingly meaningless articles that highlight the hypocritical administration that rules us, oops I mean compassionately governs us.

Now, the first two deal with the weird case of the fake reporter who's been covering the Bush administration for some obscure GOP Web site. (An aside, it's easy to call it a "conservative" Web site, but there's really nothing "conservative" about this type of operation. It's a slap in the face to journalists everywhere, and in reality, to the public's trust in the media to bring them the new.)

With so much evidence of GOP-sponsored propaganda, heads should roll in the White House, perhaps starting with Scott McClellan. But they probably won't.

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/17/opinion/17dowd.html?hp

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/20/arts/20rich.html?pagewanted=2&8hpib

This next link is an important one. It deals with the current administration's fancy with abstinance sex education, an oxy-moron if there ever was one.

Whoever championed this idea is either mentally unbalanced or never spent anytime in public or middle-class to poor Catholic schools. Or they never, ever had a chance to get laid in high school.

To put this into perspective, my co-worker Matt coaches a girls Catholic high school basketball team. His best player, a senior, has a 1-year-old son. Last weekend she had a birthday party for him at a bar her grandmother owns, going from 6 p.m. to whenever, complete with a DJ and underage drinking. Good thinking.

I wonder what kind of sex ed they teach?

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/16/opinion/16kristof.html?incamp=article_popular_2

Who is Mike Jones?

I spend a lot of time in my car.

Fortunately it's a silver Civic coupe with no CD player, so it's like the Civic's driving me.

I listen to the radio often times - as balancing my $20 CD player on my lap gets tiresome

and who can afford pricey batteries? - as I commute to the Northwest suburbs

for high school basketball games in Chicago's always stress free traffic

(Really, I should be paying the newspaper).

Because I've been doing this type of work since graduating college,

I could provide an oral history of radio-friendly rap and alt rock.

One of my new favorites is Mike Jones. I've never heard the beginning of his popular song,
"Still Trippin" (or "Still Tipping" depending on what site you're looking at), but I knew that he was at least part of the "crew" singing this. How did I glean this info? Here's some sample lyrics...

Who is Mike Jones coming

Slab shining with the grill and woman

Slab shining with the grill and woman

I'm Mike Jones (Who) Mike Jones the one and only you can't clone me

Got a lot a haters and a lot of homies some friends and some phony

Back then hoes didn't want me Now I'm hot hoes all on me

Back then hoes didn't want me Now I'm hot hoes all on me

Back then hoes didn't want me Now I'm hot hoes all on me

(I Said!) Back then hoes didn't want me Now I'm hot hoes all on me

http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/swisha/the_day/s_tippin.hse.txt

Man, if the NFL had heard of him before the Super Bowl, he'd have blown Paul McCartney off the stage.

This is another "hot" song that would go well on your iPod, if you have one. I'm not sure I get this message though...

She put that sugar on my tongue

Shes gonna

Gimme gimme some

She put it right there on my tongue (Skeet Skeet)

Right there on my tongue (She turns me on, like no other)

http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/trickdad/matrimon/sugar.tdd.txt

(For those unfamiliar with the above term "Skeet skeet," I'll share a funny story. An old intern of ours, you may remember her from the Xmas holiday fiasco of '03, was hanging with her cousin and some dudes. Now the girl is from a rather exclusive area in Maryland (Pat Sajak was a neighbor) but her cousin and her friends were a tad more street-smart. Now the girl was trying to sound a little more street and, using her knowledge of mainstream rap, said she was excited to go to the club and get her "skeet" on. Immediately her cousin's friends were excited and I believe started high-fiving each other.
Her cousin called her over and asked, "Are you serious?"
"Yeah," she said, unmoved.
"Do you know what that means?"
"Yeah, get my dance on."
IN actuality, the term "skeet skeet" stems from skeet shooting. Use your imagination to decipher the meaning.
That's been your Hip Hop lesson of the day)

Now if you're looking for heavy metaphors in your music, and you can't stand any of REM's new stuff

(join the club), you should be listening to 50 Cent. It took me five chat rooms and a 20-minute IM conversation

with Trick Daddy to dissect these lyrics...



I'll take you to the candy shop

I'll let you lick the lollipop

Go ahead girl, don't you stop

Keep going til you hit the spot, whoaa

http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/50_cent/rm_bside/candyshp.50c.txt

And this song, "I smell pussy," has NOTHING to do with vaginas (though his little-known underground hit, Traitor Bitches Must Die, is all about spooning):

Y'all niggas is pussy!!!!!

I'm falling out nigga now watch me (watch me)

Ain't nothing you can do to stop me (stop me)

Y'all niggas get so emotional (emotional)

You remind me of my bitch...HaHa

http://www.ohhla.com/anonymous/50_cent/future/i_smell.50c.txt

One more time

Not to harp on this Johnny-should-be-jealous-of-his-old-roommate-Darren theme, but this one should send him scurrying for the sharp knives (the ones he uses to prepare dishes from his Kosher Vegetarian cookbook). And for those disinclined to read sports business articles, it's a pretty funny, well-written story.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page3/story?page=rovell/050205

Jealousy, thy name is Johnny

Out of all of my fellow Ohio University graduates, I can't say I'm jealous of anyone. My current salary is probably less than 75 pct of them, at least, but no one is doing anything that makes me envious. I life in a big city, have good friends and a pretty good life.

Of course, had I gotten in to Northwestern, I'm sure I would be singing a different tune. When Johnny was working at a floundering hedge fund (which wasn't his fault, though I'm sure they would've appreciated more than 15 minutes of solid work from him every day), his old college roommate - an ESPN reporter who focuses on sports business and actually just wrote a book on Gatorade, of all things - was on CNBC. His co-workers mocked him immediately, "Well, your roommate's on CNBC and you're working at a struggling hedge fund."

Stuck in a job he didn't love, he was constantly subjected to Darren's (relative) success.

If you thought he was jealous before, check out this link:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page3/story?page=rovell/050206
...
I watched the Super Bowl at my friend Seth's apartment. I had a seat on the couch, wingies, free beer. I thought I had it pretty good. Then I talked to my younger brother who watched it in a VIP room at a strip club in Vegas. Just him, his buddies, strippers and the Super Bowl. Oh and lap dances were $1 at halftime. And this is a club we visited last summer, where strippers are known to make out with customers.

Condoms for sale

No matter how old you are, there's nothing more uncomfortable than buying condoms by yourself in the daylight...sober.

Obviously I know there's nothing to be embarassed about, especially when you're at the age when your friends are married, and even having children on purpose. But there's always that nagging feeling in your head, that hint of shame that you're doing something, well, naughty. As a generally private person, I also don't like my bizness on blast.

For your pleasure, my top 5 condom buying stories:

5a. After work this past year, I needed to get some rubbers (or as I like to call them, rubs). So I went to the Walgreen's near my office. I picked up a Snicker's Marathon bar and a dozen ribbed.

When I got to the counter, the checkout girl, a cute black girl probably a few years younger than me, immediately smirked and looked right at me. It surprised me, because usually I think it's all in my head. I blushed but still laughed, probably a bit too loud. "Do you want a bag?" she said, still giggling.
"Sure," I said.
"Now you have a fun night," she replied.
"I will if you use these with me," I said.
"Can my friend come?" she said.
"You know she will," I retorted confidently.

I know this sounds like a fantasy, but this had never happened to me before...and it didn't happen this time either. Those last three lines are bullshit. After she told me to have a good one, I said I would and left.

5. The first time I went to buy some was at a Kroger's latenight during my senior year at high school. I scrambled from my girlfriend's house, nervous because it would be my first time. I grabbed a box but then started scanning the store. I thought I recognized a check-out girl and some people in line, so I looked around and pocketed them, scampering out of the store like a scared little girl.

4. After a year-plus of unforced celibacy (just the intercourse kind cuz you know I still got mines), I had a need for condoms at the end of my senior year. And trust me, I think I REALLY needed them. I had grabbed a couple from my roommate (As a side note, he bought them a year before when we went to Cancun, even though he had never had sex before. When we got to Mexico, our friend Matt dug his hands into the box and declared, "I'm going to need these!" Needless to say, he didn't, nor did the rest of us.). These things were so thick I couldn't feel a thing. I think I went for 2 hours the first time. So after a leisurely lunch at the Chinese buffet, I walked to the CVS across the street from my apartment (located conveniently above the buffet) with my roommate Seth and my friend Joe. We had been talking about this predicament so we were a bit giggly when we walked into the store. Not embarassed, we started asking loudly where the doubly thins were, as we felt I needed the double-thin brand. They worked too, as I'm still alive today.

3. Before this sexual escapade, I hadn't "banged" since Spring Quarter my junior year (Man, I hope my mom's not reading this). I was visiting Chicago to go to my then-girlfriend's sorority formal (she went to Wisconsin). She picked me up from Johnny's place in Evanston and immediately asked me if I "remembered to bring something very important." She wanted to stop before we got downtown. Of course I didn't.

2. New Year's 2003. I'm in Phoenix for the Fiesta Bowl and to have the general good time I couldn't have in Yuma. Initially I was supposed to go out with a girl I had been dating, but she nixed our plans a day before. I think she was a little miffed when I put the kibosh on any relationship talk a week or so before and realized she should hang out with her friends instead. Karma fucked her in the end, as she got sick and didn't go anywhere.

I, on the other hand, still had plans with a friend from college whom I had hooked up with previously. We didn't get out til 11:30 because she was working as a waitress. We met another friend out at a bar in Scottsdale and a few shots later, we were making out at midnight. Things got a bit more serious and we left. I wanted to get a cab and leave my car. She, for some reason, talked me out of it. We got into the G Ride (or Honda Civic, depending on where you're from) and she immediately jumps half on my lap. Needless to say, this isn't safe.

But neither is raw dogging, so I stopped at a BP near her place. Piss drunk, I walk BEHIND the counter and start checking him out. The clerk was not amused. I told him my intentions, so I asked what kind I wanted. I told him just to lay them out in a condom lineup and I'll pick, which I did.

1a. Same girl in Chicago. It's a surprise encounter and once again, I'm not prepared. It's about 10 degrees outside and it's 3 a.m. So I venture to the White Hen across the street wearing pajama pants, a hoodie and a jacket. I grab a 3-pack and am looking around after I hand it to the clerk. I look back at him and he's smiling with his fist extended to give me some pound. "This is some necessary shit," he said.

1. We're in Yuma and my roommate is in his room with a young stripper. Needless to say, he needs protection. I mean, this is a jailbreak blitz and he's Dan Marino encased in stone. He needs double tight end, max protection.

So he wakes me up late in the night and makes me walk next to the Circle K next door. He buys rubs and I get some Lemonheads. The look on the clerk's face as two dudes are buying candy and condoms at 2 a.m. was priceless.

The next time I needed some, he was gaily instructing me to get the Rough Riders, because that's what he liked.

That damn liberal media

U.S. Soldier held hostage in Iraq!

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050201/D87VU1582.html

No wait, that's GI Joe...

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20050201/D87VURAO0.html