Welcome to Post No. 1 on my blog experiment. People have been telling me (no, begging me...no, pleading with me. Yeah, that's the ticket.) to start a blog for days or weeks now. Since I have so much free time during work - well, not free time exactly - I figured I'd start now.
I'm not really sure the direction I'll be going, so it may not be interesting all the time or funny all of the time, but hopefully it'll be enough of a mix that my friends log on regularly, I gain a following, write a book, become wealthy, marry a hot Jewish girl and buy a mansion in the North Shore. So as long as that happens in the next five months, everything should work out to plan.
Here's what you will find on my blog:
Links - lots of em. As most people know, I love to send links to articles I read during work hours or late at night when I fend my fantasy-loving roommate off my laptop.
Political-inspired talk - I can't believe people, intelligent people, would actually vote for Bush.
Bawdy talk - As long as Independent Jon remains alive, Bawdy Jon will too. A Jon divided against himself cannot stand.
Seinfeld humor - See above note. 95 percent of my jokes are from Seinfeld. No, I don't have a girlfriend. (Yes, I stole that gag off Sports Guy)
Here's what you won't find:
Me breaking any news on political memos that ruin Dan Rather's credibility.
Gay porn.
Any serious talk about the market, condos, blackberries or other yuppie crap. I will however make fun of Phil Schwartz's Segway (yes i'm outing him).
OK, now that's settled. Here's a funny e-mail I got from the Kerry/Edwards Jewish Outreach Group. Apparently he wants the whole 100 percent. Essentially this group finds any Jewish/Israel issue and lets Kerry (or whoever's writing this and slapping his name on the end) give a totally positive spin on it. Not very controversial stuff and it's pandering as hell. But hey, he's trying.
Statement by John Kerry on Rosh Hashanah, 2004
Toledo, OH – John Kerry released the following statement today on Rosh Hashanah:
“On the occasion of Rosh Hashanah, 5765, I send my warmest personal greetings to Jews everywhere who are gathered in prayer and celebration. Rosh Hashanah is a time of deep contemplation and renewal. For thousands of years, the resonant sound of the shofar has been a call for the Jewish people to reflect on the past and respond to the challenges of the New Year.
“As it is written in the high holiday prayer book, “Let us proclaim the sacred power of this day, for it is one of awe and anxiety....
“Teresa joins me in sending our best wishes for a sweet and healthy New Year. L’shanah Tovah Tikatevu V’techatemu.”
I'm sure Teresa was very excited about the Rosh. I hear she cooks a mean brisket.
In other news...
DALLAS, Sept. 22 /PRNewswire/ -- The Abe Lincoln Black Republican Caucus
(ALBRC), a group of young urban Black gay Republicans, voted today in a
special call meeting in Dallas, Texas, to endorse President Bush for re-
election.
"Although we are small, have meager resources and are not as widely known
as our counterparts in the Log Cabin Republicans, we do exist, we have
families and friends who listen to our voting recommendations and we have the
capacity to get our message up and out through the worldwide webcasting of our
community television show: the 'ALBRC Community Informer,'" stated Don Sneed
I have received word this press release looks fake and Don Sneed is a Dallas man who believes G-d can be found using numbers, but it's funny nonetheless if only for a segue to this topic...
The gay, black, thuggish Real Worlder who looks like Kanye West might be the most shocking televisted event of our generation. Well in terms of the Real World or the Real World/Road Rules Challenge. Find someone who wasn't fucking shocked at this. This declaration has now edged out the threesome that kicked off Real World Vegas as the most talked-about Real World moment.
I really thought Real World had no surprises left for me. In a sea of jacked meatheads and slutty girls with eating disorders, they managed to find a hard gay black guy. And then just so we didn't think all gay people were "like us," they introduced the fruitiest guy they could find.
Stolen:
Off Wonkette. Pretty Good Stuff. Everyone loves Jon Stewart.
http://www.wonkette.com/archives/the-ostewart-factor-021688.php
Seinfeld snippet:
[Setting: George's apartment building]
(George approaches Mr. Eldridge as he's entering his new apartment. George is carrying Kramer's sea tales book)
GEORGE: Ahoy! Mr. Eldridge. I understand you were on the Andrea Doria.
ELDRIDGE: Yes, it was a terrifying ordeal.
GEORGE: I tell ya, I hear people really stuff themselves on those cruise ships. (Laughs) The buffet, that's the real ordeal, huh, Clarence? (Laughs)
ELDRIDGE: (Defensively) We had to abandon ship.
GEORGE: Well, all vacations have to end eventually.
ELDRIDGE: The boat sank.
GEORGE: (Holding up Kramer's book) According to this, it took.. 10 hours. It eased into the water like an old man into a nice warm bath - no offense. (Pause) So, uh, Clarence, how about abandoning this apartment, and letting me shove off in this beauty?
ELDRIDGE: Is that what this is all about?! I don't think I like you. (Enters his apartment, and slams the door behind him)
GEORGE: (Yelling out) It's my apartment, Eldridge! The Stalkholm may not have sunk ya, but I will! Ha, ha, ha!
Part 2:
[Setting: Tenant board room]
(George is telling the board his astonishing life stories. Every board member seems to be deeply moved by them)
GEORGE: I was handcuffed to the bed.. In my underwear, (Sighs) where I remained.. (Scene cuts to another story) She was attractive.. She was, also, in fact, a Nazi.. (Cuts to another story) The water.. that I had been swimming in was.. very cold. And, when I dropped the towel, there was.. significant shrinkage.. (Scene cuts to, yet, another story) Her parents were looking at me.. So, there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole.. (Scene cuts to his closing statements) In closing, these stories have not been embellished, because - they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly, the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow witted bald man. (Gets up) Thank you. (Every memeber of the board shows some sign that George's story is most deserving of the apartment. Ricardi is crying. George turns to leave, then remembers one more thing..) Oh, also.. my fiance died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. (Sobs and loud crying erupts from the board members) Thanks again. (Leaves. Eldridge looks defeated)
On that note. I'm out.
