This just in...

... The United States has narrowed its search for a US emissary to Arafat's funeral to two men.

In the Bush administration's finest moment, they've chosen Garden Apartment to pick. So I opened up my palm pilot, or iPod, got the numbers and called 'em up for an interview and asked what they'd say at the ceremony.

Here's Alan Keyes' prospective speech:

"Well, I'm glad to be here. By G-d's grace, we are in Egypt to eulogize Yasser Arafat. But first let me talk about the biggest obstacle the Palestinians have in their way to eternal freedom, abortion. If they want Jesus as their lord and savior, they have to realize that abortion is murder. Also, income tax is slavery. What they have no income? ... You know what I like it so much here in the Middle East, I think I might stay. Maybe I'll run for Prime Minister of the Palestinian Authority. Jesus wouldn't vote for Abu Mazen. Call me Abu Crazypants..."

And now, Chicago mayor Richard Daley:

"What's the hold-up here? Let's get this show on this road! Hey, youse guys want to invest in my casino? Why not?"

Also Garden Apartment came into some tapes of French "leader" Jacques Chirac and his "dear friend" Arafat. Another coup for the bloggers!

CHIRAC: So the Jews...what do you think about their
horns?

ARAFAT: Well, they are easy to aim at when I shoot at
them. Especially the children.

CHIRAC: More brie?

ARAFAT: Please.